Growing up I was always bigger than everyone either taller or fatter. It sucked.. I'm very competitive and that was one thing that was never better being BIGGER. I was chunky not fat just not skinny so I guess chunky, and I have round cheeks so that makes me look ever fatter. As a chunky kid I remember several hurtful things people would say, mostly joking but those things hurt. Scars forever. One thing I remember was a family member said your not fat your clothes are just too small. Kinda funny now because maybe she was right but as an early teen that sucked because I was too cool. Well when I started playing sports I became more athletic. Still not skinny, I've always had a booty, but more athletic but my friends were still skinny. I still feel like this society loves skinny people and that sucks as a person who will never fall into that category. I don't have a desire to be skinny but I do have a desire to be loved. I do have a desire to not want to be big because our society doesn't like big people. I've lost 65 lbs and when I look in the mirror I still feel fat. Some days are better than others but most days I look in the mirror and point out how huge I am and I hate that. I know I have to look better than I did a few years ago and I feel a little better but not 65lbs better. I still feel like the fat kid. I think it's because of all the scars I have as the fat kid. I'm trying to learn to embrace me now. I'm trying to learn that I am beautiful because I am me. I am beautiful even though I have stretch marks and even if I don't get everything as tone as I want. I am beautiful because I am me. That's hard and a process. Constant battle with myself. I feel like I'm fighting a disease sometimes. I take tons of selfies because when I look in the mirror I don't see what a selfies shows. I see something so much uglier and fatter but if a camera shows it I must kinda look like that. That's why I take selfies. I hate looking in the mirror and hate having my picture taken because most of the time I feel ugly. But I'm trying to build my confidence and love me and I know that that will make me more beautiful.
Will I always be a fat kid???? I sure hope not....
